revise introduction thesis statement and then explain the process and purpose of the revision

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Select a single paragraph from your essay that you think needs the most work. Then, using one of the revision strategies outlined in the reading this week, revise the paragraph. Then, in one paragraph, walk us through the revision process you chose and explain the purpose of the revision (how did it ultimately make your essay stronger?). The original paragraph, the revised paragraph, and your explanation of the revision will be your original discussion board post (at least three fully developed paragraphs).

I chose my introduction paragraph with my thesis statement:

Developing or developed countries rely on experts who have passed through the higher education system to grow. The United States is no exception, and that is why it is known globally for having state of the art colleges and universities. The primary objective of higher education is to offer solutions to problems that exist in the real world. Therefore, it is essential for one to acquire knowledge and skills. The good thing about education is that it is a continuous process that evolves gradually. Thus, nobody can claim that they possess enough experience and do not require any more (Duderstadt, 1999). Individuals that pursue higher education do so to become experts in their numerous occupations, which range from sciences, management, engineering, and other courses. Unlike on-job training, which focuses more on a specific skill to perfect a particular routine, higher education equips the learner with the necessary knowledge to explore and expound on their expertise field. Higher education also assists individuals to be problems solvers meaning they become job creators instead of being job seekers.

This is my professor’s feedback on it:

Introduction: Overview:

Nice work including a lead that explains the issue being analyzed and briefly describes the main points of the argument.

Including a strong hook as the first sentence is a great way to engage your readers from the beginning. Based on the types of hooks outlined in our class announcements last week, which one do you think would work well for your essay? Also, if you need a refresher, I cover introductions thoroughly in my Week 5 Monday Announcement.

Introduction: Thesis:

On the right track! I see a thesis beginning to emerge: “Unlike on-job training, which focuses more on a specific skill to perfect a particular routine, higher education equips the learner with the necessary knowledge to explore and expound on their expertise field.” What’s missing here is clarity. The best way to obtain clarity in a thesis statement is to use either the formula from MindEdge or the thesis formula in my class announcement: By looking at BLANK, BLANK, and BLANK, one will see BLANK. To review how to fill in these blanks, you can check Week 5’s Monday announcement. Additionally, here is a link for quick tips on how to craft a thesis statement:https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/545/01/.
 
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